Practicing Forgiveness

As in many things in life, practicing takes us one step closer to what we might consider ‘perfect.’ You know the saying, “Practice Makes Perfect.” So, what about forgiving another. Can practicing forgiveness actually work? And, if it does, how do we go about it?

Well, it might look something like this:

First, name a MINOR incident. Possibly a time when you felt resentment but only to a small extent – not a traumatic event. Once identified, determine if forgiveness is appropriate. Is it a situation that can be forgiven. Keep in mind, forgiveness is appropriate if you are truly seeking to forgive. It should not feel like an obligation or something that would be conditional (like, the one you are looking to forgive must apologize first).

Next, name the feeling that comes about when you think about the incident. Be kind to yourself as you allow yourself to experience feelings and identify them. Let the feelings be whatever they are and provide yourself self-compassion and care around those feelings. Treat yourself as you would a friend experiencing the emotions. Take note, the emotions coming up for you should not be overwhelming. If they are, consider a different incident.

From here, decide whether to forgive. If you are not ready to do this, then don’t. It could mean the chosen transgression is too intense.

Now, consider the wrongdoer. Usually, there is more to the story. Were there external pressures? What was their state of mind? What might have been their reasoning? This broadening of our perspective allows us to look at the other person with minimal, to no, judgement. It’s a way of putting yourself in their shoes.

As a next step, extend grace and sentiments of care - first toward yourself and then to the one you are forgiving. One suggestion might be the mantra created by Buddhist teacher, Sharon Salzberg. “May I be safe, may I be happy, may I be healed.’ Followed by, “May you be safe, may you be happy, may you experience health.” Pay attention to what you are feeling as you repeat this several times. If a sincere desire to forgive doesn’t arise, no harm, no foul. Remember, this is about PRACTICING forgiveness.

Finally, reflect on the process. How difficult was it to do? What came easily? What was it like to extend kindness and compassion to yourself? To the wrongdoer? How was it moving through your emotions?

Again, as with many things in life, we practice. And practicing the art of forgiveness is one you may want to consider putting in your toolbox.