The Bar/Mercy Ratio

Your teenager leaves the radio in the car at full blast (causing you to jump out of your skin when you turn the ignition) and the gas tank is at fumes. Your friend bales on dinner and drinks because of conflicting commitments – there’s a better option for them. Your dog can’t hold their stuff and permanently stains the carpet. Your significant other breaks your heart a bit when they respond, “Yes, that outfit does make you look fat/old.”

In each of these scenarios, the ‘gravity’ of the situation depends on what expectations are in place and how you respond. One thing you may want to consider is the concept of high bar/high mercy, and conversely, low bar/low mercy. Simply put, if you set the bar high for a particular outcome, consider a high offering of mercy when things don't go as planned. Or, if your bar is pretty low, then you can extend lower amounts of mercy towards those who miss the mark.

So, let’s play out the car scenario. If you were a typical teenager, driving down the street with your music at full throttle was a right of passage. Forgetting to keep the tank full was usually the result of unintentional forgetfulness and/or little discretionary cash.

So, ask yourself, how difficult do you AND your teenager consider adhering to these two ‘rules.’ One way to determine the importance is to include your teen in the conversation. Another option might be to put yourself in their shoes and remember what it was like to be a teenager. Either way, based on the conversation with yourself and/or the teen, you make the call of whether music off/tank full are to be considered hi bar or lo bar actions/achievements. Based on what you decide, respond accordingly. For example:

Hi bar: It is determined that 100% compliance is required if they want the privilege of using the car.

Hi mercy: You decide to cut the kid some slack. They’ve been great this past month and 100% compliance would be difficult for anyone to maintain.

Lo bar: You would be thrilled if they hit the mark every third outing.

Lo mercy: You take the keys for a weekend because it’s been an entire month and they have yet to shut the music off or replace the gas they have used.

Bottom line, determining the bar/mercy ratio ahead of time is one way to choose your response in an emotional situation as opposed to letting your emotion choose you.